Diary Of An Ex-psychopathic Mass Murderer
by BabySkittleMonster
Summary: Have you ever wondered what a murderer thinks? Well, step in and make yourself at home! See the horrors and craziness also known as Gaara's Life. Face the terrors known as Paperwork, Evil Sisters and... Fan-Girls. Very Crack! Do not take this fic seriously. Character bashing (for humour purposes) and crossovers between many things. Requests are accepted! Dare you read it?
1. Day 1

_**A/N time for my first multi-chaptered fanfic. I have no idea if this idea has already been done, but if it has then I humbly, sincerely apologize. Tell me what you think – Like Gaara with his cookies, I enjoy reviews! Hope you like it! Tell me if I should continue or if I should just give up. Also, I'd love to hear your ideas!**_

**Day 1**

Great, Temari has had another crackpot idea that has absolutely no purpose or reasoning behind it. She's made me write a diary, but naturally I refuse to call you that. You are my journal. Ok, the rules are simple, really. I have to write in you for at least 3 months. I have to include _feelings_! It's either this or another therapist. I am NEVER going to one of those 'rapists again!

Do you have any idea what the therapists make you do? Draw smiley faces in crayon to "repel negative emotion." When I asked why I couldn't at least use a pencil, they said they wanted us to be in a risk-free environment. As if I'd stab them with a pencil, there are far more conventional methods – like my good ol' trusty sand for one!

Kankuro is being stupid again. I found him dressing Crow in Temari's underwear earlier! He made me promise not to tell her, and I was _this _close to showing him where he could stick that command! I'm the freaking Kazekage, for Kami's sake!

Anyway, journal. I've made a start at least. Now Temari won't get on my back for ignoring her, nor will she send me to those _'rapists _again.

Gaara.

**Gaara, some friendly sibling advice for you, hiding the diary in your gourd is not smart. You know I always look in there to make sure you aren't sneaking anything into work. And thanks for the tip about Kankuro! Man, that idiot is gonna pay… You get cookies for this, kiddo!**

**Love ya,**

**Temari.**

Man, journal! I have no privacy whatsoever, do I? And don't you dare tell anyone about my cookie fetish – it hardly sends terror running down enemies back hearing that their opponent is obsessed with cookies, does it? And I _didn't_ know Temari looked in my gourd, never knew she was that stupid! Anyway, gotta go! I can't miss Temari beating up Kankuro – where else will I get my entertainment?


	2. Day 2

**A/N this might be a bit sad, because today a boy named Robin who is in the year above me at school tried to commit suicide. The teacher stopped him in time and I haven't seen him since. I'll try to remain upbeat as it's really NOT in my nature to be miserable. Today has been HORRIBLE though, so I might fail at that. Still, let's give it a go!** **Oh, and princessbinas, I liked your idea so I'm gonna try it. Tell me what you think!**

**Day 2**

Hi, journal! Oh… My… Kami… Did I just show _positive emotion?! _The world must be ending, or something. Last night I actually fell asleep before 12:00 and pretty deeply at that! I know it was deeply because I woke up with a whipped cream moustache, beard and eyebrows!

There was also a note from my idiot cat-brother: _Hey Gaara, I see Shukaku ain't botherin' ya anymore, huh. 'At's good, 'cause it means I can do this more often… I would say "Love ya" but that's too soppy and girly so I'll just say "I don' despise ya!_

As you can see, my idiotic cat-brother is lazy in everything he does, unless, of course, it's puppet-related. He is such an idiot that sometimes I wonder if we're really related! Maybe all three of us were all adopted – or just me and Temari, because Kankuro looks like father and acts just as irritating.

As I have to speak my mind here, regardless of the fact that I know Temari will find some way to read this, I will be blunt. Shukaku is pleading (or he would be if it weren't to damaging to his ego. No, he's asking with puppy-dog eyes) to speak here and I see no reason not to allow that!

_Yo, I can't believe my man is actually lettin' me do something! Aw, maybe he's not such a cold-hearted egotistical b****** after all! Anyways, I was just thinking that maybe this idea's not too bad, in a weird way. Temari don't have to find this piece o' junk! And damn, Gaara! Turn that… Wait, you call that music!? Never mind. Um… I'm just thinking that maybe we can jot down plans to kill the villagers or summit? You know, like old times!_

NO! Just. No. I'm the Kazekage now! I have a reputation to uphold, and this music is great! How dare you ask me to turn it down! I guess I should thank you though, Shukaku, for actually letting me sleep twice a week. Dunno what I'd do with all the paper work if it weren't for the 8 hours sleep a week!

Anyway, I'm running out of things to say. I've heard Naruto's due to return to Konoha in a month or so, maybe I'll visit him?

Gaara.

**Dear Gaara, keep that demon of yours under control please! Kankuro is currently cowering under his bed as he has for the last hour – I was wondering what was up with him! Now I know. Keeping the diary in your dirty underwear won't work! The maids found this as they were looking for laundry and gave it back to me thinking it was mine! Can't they see that my handwriting is twice as neat as yours!? Anyway, can I ask you something? Stop stealing my make-up. I don't know why you like hiding the insomnia rings behind the eye-liner – it just draws attention to them!**

**Love your sister, Temari.**

**P.S. Saying Love you at the end of a letter isn't girly or soppy, don't listen to the idiot! I've got to go, I think I burned the kitchen down **_**again!**_** Maybe I **_**should**_** let the maids cook like you suggested.**

_**A/N I hope I didn't mess it up too bad! Hehe, sorry if I did. And princessbinas, sorry if I messed up your idea – knowing me I didn't just mess it up, I probably disembowelled, chopped up, drained and suffocated it before burning it to the ground.**_

_**Please do as the little box below asks! Oh, and flames will be laughed at then deleted. Then maybe doused in water, hung up to dry and shown for display in the next chapter. Bye!**_


	3. Day 3

**A/N ****IMPORTANT ****I just need to make this clear, because some may not have understood – i.e. one of my friends' **_**firefly in the mist – **_**that this story is pre-shippuden. Basically about 2 months before Shippuden starts. Therefore Gaara is the Kazekage, Shukaku is still in Gaara, Naruto isn't back yet, Jirayia is still alive, Madara hasn't revealed himself yet, etc. Understood? If not, feel free to PM me.**

**Because I haven't written in a while (and because the friend noted above double-donkey dared me – yes, I still do dares – to) I'm making this chapter extra long. For me, at least. Yes, gasp my dear readers, hyperventilate, panic, wonder if I've been swapped by aliens, kill BabySkittleMon- actually, don't do that last one, I rather enjoy living!**

**Day 3**

Man, I'm tired. Then again, what do you expect? Shukaku doesn't let me sleep without taking over me and wreaking havoc. And, shamely, I don't _quite _begrudge my people that much – although it is close.

It doesn't help that Shukaku has been trying – and failing – to sing the Llama Song for the last _4 hours! _Please, Shukaku, I know you're watching what I'm writing so pay special attention to the next sentence. _**YOU CAN NOT SING! IN FACT, IT'S SO BAD THAT ANY GLASS IN A TEN-MILE RADIUS HAS COMMITTED SUICIDE IN THE SHARPEST WAY POSSIBLE! **_Got it?

Did you ever see a llama, kiss a llama on the llama, llama's llama, taste of llama llama llama duck

Half a llama, twice a llama, not a llama, farmer llama, llama in a car, alarm a llama, llama  
du- DAMN YOU SHUKAKU!

_Dear Gaara,_

_Please refrain from swearing or writing the most moronic song on the planet in your diary. After all, I use this diary to see what you're thinking, not to look up song lyrics. Also, find a better hiding place for your diary – again! I've got to go, Kankuro's being weird again and the staff are to freaked out to stop him.  
Love: Your Beloved Sister, Temari._

Seriously. I don't know why I bother. I swear my siblings have a brother complex – or a stalk-your-youngest-sibling mental problem. Do you see what I live with _journal?_ Don't worry, I won't call you a diary.

Man, I'm really curious as to what Kankuro is doing downstairs. I'm probably better off not knowing, eh Shukaku?

_**Wahoo! I say we go down, dude! I mean, c'mon! Don' be a wuss, we both know yer practically chainin' yerself to the desk to refra… rafrei… stop yourself from lookin'. Don' bother denyin' it, I'm in yer head, remember?**_

How could I forget with your relentless prattling. I believe the word you're looking for is _refrain. _Seriously, you and I both saw it literally two minutes ago in Temari's letter! Dumb demons…

I got a letter from the Hokage today, apparently I've got to go to a meeting to discuss trade and other time-wasting stuff. She hates it just as much as me, so why doesn't she just leave it to our assistants, huh? DAMN IT, SHUKAKU, SHUT UP! Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, assistants. Of course, I'd never say all this out loud – my reputation would be in _ruins! _

Hmm… I guess this journal does come in useful then…

Okay, today has been really hectic. First of all, I was bombarded with papers today all because some idiotic _genin_ decided it would be hilarious to use ninjutsu to break into a local, cheap, poor-quality bar. Seriously, what do I pay my shinobi for, lounging around watching lowly genin break into bars?!

Secondly, I was half-way through my delicious gizzard sandwich (shut up Shukaku, it's delicious and you know it!) when a weird black-haired kid with some funny straw hat came running through my wall shouting something about meaty food and a Zoro. What the hell is a _Zoro? _

Thirdly, I was peacefully reading my _Naruto _manga (gotta keep up with the latest news…) while pretending to do my work when some cocky brat with a cap came in twirling some weapon (apparently this fearsome weapon is called a tennis racket) and a deadly green projectile (the twin weapon to the tennis racket, the tennis ball I believe it's called). He just smirked at me, saw my manga and said "_Mada Mada Dane!"* _

Then the said brat smirked (it rivalled Sasuke's smirk – now that's saying something!), fired the green projectile using the tennis racket _right through my Goddamn window!_

Then a taller, spiky-haired, glasses-wearing guy came in muttering "î data" over and over whilst holding some purple poison. The sight of the poison made the brat blanch and run off. The glasses-guy chased after him muttering something like "there's an 82% chance Echizen went left to get back to Seigaku, 8% chance he's hidden in the village to find grape ponta and a 10% chance he's gotten lost in the desert." What a weird pair, huh.

Speaking of which, I'm going to go see if I can find some of those tennis rackets and tennis balls to issue to my high-ranking shinobi. From the damage inflicted to my window, this will be invaluable!

_To Kazekage-Sama,  
Your sister, the esteemed Temari-Sama, advised for me to read this. I have sent for a window-repair man immediately. Oh, and Kazekage-Sama? Perhaps actually doing your paperwork will be more productive than reading __**Naruto**__. We have sent word to the other Kage about the mysterious assailants (particularly the last two) to see if they can find out who the attackers were. Hokage-Sama has sent word back noting the danger and stating they have Shikamaru-San and his father Shikaku-San working on the case. Good day to you, Kazekage-Sama!  
Your assistant.  
P.S. assistants do not have the necessary clearance level to discuss or make any decisions regarding the village to any members of a different village._

Good. I am particularly surprised that I did not recognise the attackers – they were obviously powerful missing ninja (the first broke through a reinforced _wall_, the second broke my _window_, and the third scared the second in some way.)

I must temporarily take my leave – dinner is ready.

_***Mada Mada Dane is the catchphrase made famous by Echizen. It translates literally into "No, not yet" but it can mean "you've got a ways to go" or "you're not there yet." Although, Echizen often says it regardless of whether it makes sense in that particular scenario, or just to annoy the people he's with. **_

**A/N how was that? In case you didn't know, the first **_**attacker **_**(pft, Gaara is over-reacting) was Monkey D Luffy from One Piece. The second was Ryoma Echizen and the third was Sadaharu Inui – both from Prince Of Tennis. The liquid was one of Inui's special, foul-tasting punishment juices nicknamed the Penal-Tea.**

**Sorry about the end – it was a rather abrupt finish, I know. It's going to start getting more interesting soon, I promise! With more humour coming soon. Great, now I sound like an advert! Thanks to all my reviewers, favouroters (Don't think that's a word, ah well) and followers!**

_**Follow the next instructions closely. Move your mouse (if you're on a computer) and click on the box below. Next, follow the instructions in the box. Thank you for your co-operation! Sayonara!**_


	4. Day 4

**A/N Hi my dear faithful readers! Sorry that I haven't written in... what, three days now? Maybe more. Ah well. I'm here now and that's what counts, right? I've been reading fan fiction and not writing so no updates for you lot for a couple more days. After that, I'll try and write when possible! Where have my dear reviewers gone? They've abandoned me... Reviews of all kinds are welcome – even flames! After all, I need to keep toasty somehow, ne?**

**Day 4**

Today was all right, for me. Nothing much went on, unless you count the usual – in that case, a lot went on. Kankuro was being an idiot again, this time he was hiding inside Crow (which was disguised as a girl) to try and perv on the girls in the hot springs. Oh wait, wrong word. I should have called them _cold_ springs – who's heard of a hot spring in a desert?!

Temari of course caught him and made him suffer for it... I can't help but shudder when I remember Kankuro's voice after the _punishment. _Whoever would have thought you could use a fan for _that! _

Temari then proceeded to yell at him for stealing her make-up. And when I say yell, I'm comparing it to Shukaku's volume! I could practically feel Shukaku groaning in my head so I felt double the pain.

Gaara.

_Hi Gaara, hate to break it to you but hiding the diary in the shower only keeps it safe from Kankuro – not me! And I DO NOT YELL LOUDLY! Personally, I think Kankuro deserves all he gets. You know, just the other day he nicked my money just to buy himself a new kitty hat? He spent the whole day stalking people and "Nya"ing because he's a cat now. Next time you see him, please punish him – unless you want to hear more of my delightful yelling. And Kankuro's high-pitched screaming._

_Temari._

I have no privacy at all, do I? Don't answer that – it's depressing enough without someone confirming it. I have to say, I am _starting _to like this journal idea of Temari's. Even if she did only advise it so she could spy on my life.

Ok, Temari, I'll make him run laps around the village in winter clothes whilst carrying all his ninja gear or something. Does 100 laps sound all right? With the blistering heat, his puppets and thick clothes sound enough?

Naruto's due home in 28 days now – not that I'm counting or anything! I almost miss the blonde rascal – keyword being almost.

_That's right, li'l bro! Keep livin' in denial! Ignore the blood on the page, man, or blame Temari or summit – 'cause it is HER fault! You jus' don' wanna admit that you actually have friends now, huh? Oh, and sorry bro, but I used the last of your extra-menacing-ultra-cool-sparkling-white toothpaste. Don't kill me!_

_Kankuro – no wait, I am not he, I am No One!_

Grrr... My toothpaste. MY TOOTHPASTE. _MY TOOTH PASTE! MY EXTRA-MENACING-ULTRA-COOL-SPARKLING-WHITE TOOTHPASTE! I AM GOING TO MAIM HIM, THEN BURN HIM, THEN SCATTER ANY ASHES THEN – _Good idea, Shukaku! I shall Decapitate him with my toothbrush, scoop out his entrails and sell it to the fish and chips restaurant. That way, I make money too! I feel like that fellow genius , Temari's boyfriend – I have forgotten what his name was, I think it's pineapple head but I can't be sure. Ah well, pineapple head has a nice ring to it.

Well that's it for the day, Kankuro better have more extra-menacing-ultra-cool-sparkling-white-toothpas te before he goes to bed….

_**A/N: **_

_**Firefly in the Mist: Mwhahahaha, I finished this fanfic chapter for BSM this time!**_

_**BabySkittleMonster: I started it, you only finished it because I was feeling too lazy. Oh yeah, dear readers this is my good friend/idiot Firefly. Firefly, readers. Readers, firefly. **_

_**Firefly in the Mist: Takes an idiot to know one. But we're both geniuses so same applies, I did the last paragraph in BSM's style of writing, how she does all that humour, I do not know… (The real story: Once BSM starts a fanfic and doesn't finish it, it'll stay unfinished, so since it was basically finished, I finished it for her and we added the author's note at the end.) That was way too much of an explanation, but then again, that is my writing style. BSM, any last words before I upload this?**_

_**BSM: Yes. To clear up any misunderstandings, this is NOT the end of the fic. The thing is though, to write I need a purpose. So review! Without reviews I ain't got no motivation! It's a vicious cycle. No reviews - no uploading -. Unhappy readers - No reviews again. Just review now!**_


	5. Day 5

**Hi, readers! It's time for BSM's excuses: until recently my chapter had no reviews. Then suddenly, a certain awesome person called MadameHyde reviewed and then… Whoosh! 3 more reviews in quick succession! So I wrote again whilst listening to creepy music that made me think that there were monsters under my bed… stupid scary music.**

**Day 5**

Hi Journal. Today was… odd. Not like the usual odd, this was a _scary _odd. A _bad _odd. One word, two syllables: _Fangirls_. They are seriously the bane of my existence. It almost makes me want to go back to being hated and ignored again! Key word being _almost_.

I received many official-looking letters (they were official so that I would be guaranteed to open them, no doubt - one must not underestimate the Fangirls). I opened these letters to find _underwear, locks of hair and even their baby teeth! _Why?

Then, I went to clean my teeth with my extra-menacing-ultra-cool-sparkling-white-toothpas te (Kankuro had the good sense to buy me some more. That's a good thing). One must never underestimate the value of brushing! One day one might come into a life-or-death battle and the deciding factor would be based on the state of your teeth. Blinding opponents is a strangely good tactic…

You might think _nothing weird about that_, but you would be _dead _wrong. My bathroom was painted neon pink (!), with hearts stuck in random locations. Crude drawings of me with various girls (and Baki, for those Yaoi-lovers who seem to think that I would go well with my sensei… I am faintly - no, extraordinarily – disgusted) and _lo and behold_: more underwear. Do they think I'm a pervert or something?

I think I'm going to be ill. Shukaku seems highly amused and keeps singing that kissing-in-a-tree song. I think I'm going deaf! I've never been so envious of my brother in my life! No girl harasses _him! _He's too scary for the public – what, with his kitty costumes, make-up and doll-puppets.

_Yo, bro.  
You are evil. Ya know that? AND THEY AREN'T DOLLIES! THEY ARE HIGHLY EFICENT DOLL – I mean puppets. Yeah, puppets. And I have fangirls! Ok, maybe I don' but that ain't any reason to act so… um… you. Oh, and I have a message for ya. I've copied it word for goddamn word below, and it's freakin' long._

"_Gaara, darling Shika is coming over tomorrow. I want you on your best behaviour or no cookies for a month! No insulting, threatening or interfering. Got it? And keep Shukaku on a tight leash. No homicidal comments or anything. Also, if you DO misbehave, not only will you not get cookies, but you won't go to the Sand Emporium like you wanted. I don't care if you are the Kazekage, you're still my little brother and so I am superior to you. Just accept it."_

_Ok then, bro. See ya,  
Kankuro._

Kankuro, you misspelled "efficient". And who's Shika? Is that the name of Pineapple-Head? Ok, so I must refer to him as 'Shika' to his face or no cookies or Sand Emporium. How unjust is that? Shut up, Shukaku, my obsession with cookies and sand isn't _that_ funny_._

As for the fangirl issue, I figure something must change. After all, without change, something sleeps inside us, and seldom awakens. The sleeper must awaken.

Oh yeah, and earlier I looked for fish and chips shops so I could carry out my threat in the previous entry on the next person who uses up my extra-menacing-ultra-cool-sparkling-white-toothpas te. Turns out we have none. There are a few in Konoha though, next to the infamous Ichiraku Ramen stand.

Anyway, goodbye for now. I must go attend a tedious council meeting. Maybe we can change the fangirl issue. Maybe.

Gaara.

**A/N It's been a while, eh? Tell you what, I like reviews. And I have decided I am gonna play a little game:**

_**In each chapter there will be either a character from an anime/cartoon/book or a quote (from an anime/cartoon/book/real person).**_

_**In this case, there is a quote (a famous one) and whoever guesses what it is and who it's from gets the next chapter dedicated to them. So, does it sound fun? Aw, come on! Don't give me that look! Just try it!**_

**Please review, and if you have an idea feel free to tell me. If I like it, I will include it. It can be as wacky as possible! In fact, the more crack-ish it is, the more fun it will be to try to include it.**


	6. Day 6

_**Shameless Advertisement: I have started another story called "The Legend of Momo" which is an Avatar: The Last Airbender fic. If you like that cartoon, give it a try!**_

**A/N Just because I have another fic, it doesn't mean I've stopped with this fic. In fact, because there will be more pressure, I'll actually have to update faster!**

**Day 6**

Hi again. It feels like it has been months since I last confided in you, even though in reality it's only been 24 hours. I don't know what to do! Shukaku has suddenly become a belieber! Whilst I have nothing against Beiber or his fans, I cannot handle Shukaku singing the same songs over and over without a break. If he was a good singer, then it wouldn't be so bad!

_Man, Gaara! That's harsh! I can sing, dude! Better than you can at any rate! I can prove it if ya don't believe me. What's wrong, you seem grumpier than usual. Normally I wouldn't care, but when you're grumpy it's ME that has to deal with it until ya cheer up –as much as you can. I've never known anyone to be able to sulk as long as you have except Kankuro._

Don't listen to him. He _can't _sing. And Shukaku, I'd thank you to keep your thoughts in your – well, really it's my – head. Not on my valuable paper. Do you realise how few trees are in the desert? And it just occurred to me how much of that goes into this dratted paperwork.

Anyway, as well as Shukaku's auditory torture, a pineapple head came over to visit Temari today. Me and Kankuro stopped bugging each other for this –  
_A miracle, I might add!  
_Shut up. As I was writing; we got on because we were unified due to a more important cause. Threatening Pineapple. I swear if Temari gets distracted from her duties then Pineapple is going to lose something _very _important to any self-respecting shinobi… His weapons. What, did you think it was something else? Ha, you perverted journal!

I hope Pineapple takes our… _talk_... to heart – I'm going without cookies and a visit to the Sand Emporium because of this!

_**Dear Gaara.  
Too right, you are! I was wondering why Shika was so pale when he came in to see me! He was trembling! I don't know what you did to scare him like that – probably showed him pictures of Tsunade without any make-up! That would terrify anyone in their right mind…. *Shudder*. No cookies. None. For two months. I'm also taking your credit card and money so you don't sneak off to get some. Also, I'm monitoring any letters you send to make sure you don't ask for any. On the bright side: You're getting better at hiding this diary! It took me a whole two minutes to find it – one minute fifty seconds longer than last time!**_

… WHY!?

On another note, another weird thing happened today. Let me explain below – no interruptions Shukaku, no matter how funny you find it.

I was getting lunch at that restaurant down the street when a random 12 year old girl came up to me. She challenged me to a fight and I complied. She was a weird one, alright! She didn't look at me when she spoke to me, instead she looked directly in front of her. She looked like a Hyuuga! She had the same creepy white eyes and blank, menacing stare.

Anyway, I teleported to the sparring grounds to find her already there. We engaged in battle and… She beat me. She had complete control over sand! Not only sand, but earth too. I couldn't use any metal weapons because she seemed to have some manipulation over that too! I would like to know which village she comes from – she treated the fight like a light warm-up!

_He got his arse handed to him by a little girl two years younger than him! She wasn't a Jinchuuriki but she was powerful. Gaara asked her who she was but also she did was give us a cocky grin and confuse the Hell out of us. What was it she said, Gaara?_

She said: "I am the greatest earthbender in the world, and don't you dunderheads ever forget it!" Then she said: "As for my name, you can call me Melon Lord."

Wait a minute… Dunderheads. Plural. Who was the other one? Did she realise that I was a Jinchuuriki? Melon Lord… Is that a clue?

_Don't know. Anyway, Gaara. I'm tired after that fight. I'll allow you to get to sleep tonight. After all, we have a full day of Pineapple torturing tomorrow! See ya tomorrow, dude._

Yeah… Thanks.

Gaara.

**A/N that's this chapter done! Aren't you proud of me? Who can guess this chapter's mystery character? She's not from Naruto, and I reckon I made it **_**pretty obvious.**_** Virtual cookie's and free tickets to the Sand Emporium – as well as the next chapter to be dedicated – to the first person to guess. Firefly, you don't count. You need to tell me: name and what she's from. Oh, and extra kudos to those that can guess the quote. It's not famous, it's from a cartoon.**

**Answer to previous question was: "After all, without change, something sleeps inside us, and seldom awakens. The sleeper must awaken" – by Frank Herbert.**


	7. Day 7

**A/N okay, apology time. Long break, no updates recently. Excuses? Well, if you insist… Holidays (two of 'em), relative dying, school, laziness and so on. But, that's all over now. You best thank Firefly In The Mist for telling (*Cough* ordering-and-guilt-tripping *Cough*) me to update. Anyways, on with the story!**

Bad news #1: Pineapple left this morning. He must have known that Kankuro and I were planning to get him big time. Damn him and his genius IQ… Damn him. I finally got a few hours' sleep (7:00pm to 11:00 pm) and yet he _still _got past me. I blame you, Shukaku.

_**WHAT!?**_

Bad news #2: ... I've gone insane. That is the only explanation for today – it didn't actually happen, it was just a crazy hallucination. Yeah. That works! With Shukaku, I would not be surprised if it _was _just a hallucination as revenge for not buying him cookies – which I'm technically not allowed to have anyway because of Temari's Two month ban (remember yesterday).

Okay, it's probably best if I start at the beginning of today. At 00:00:01 this morning, I was doing my paperwork – like I do every day. No biggie there! By 00:00:20 (19 seconds later) I was arguing with Shukaku about whether or not I should let him out-

_**Heh, he won. Eventually. I'll get him next time!**_

As I was saying before _I was so RUDELY interrupted, _we were arguing. I don't know_ how _many times I told him it was unethical to kill your own citizens, but does he ever _listen? _NO!

_**You were tryin' to teach me morals and ethics? I don't remember that!**_

... Anyway, moving on. Perhaps I started too early? Okay, time skip. It was after lunch. I had sand-travelled to my favourite restaurant – I had to avoid the fangirls _somehow!_ – and enjoyed some delicious salted tongue (it's much better than it sounds) and a sandwich that was named after me (it's called the _sand_wich). I then travelled back to the accursed paperwork. Sometimes I wish I could just burn the damn thing – or at least Sand Coffin it!

I expected to find a nice, peaceful office with a cup of tea or something of the sorts, but NO! What do I get? It was… Ugh, I shudder even _thinking _about it. I don't think I can write it down.

_**I don' blame ya kid. It gave ME Goosebumps! Hell, do you wanna say what happened, or shall I? Please say ya'll do it, I don' think I can handle it. You always were the no-emotion guy – or at least, you are now. You were all sad and bummed when you were 6, and psycho in between 6-12. **_

Okay, I get it, Shukaku. I'll say it, because no doubt you'll over-exaggerate the story and terrify the socks off our readers (if they're wearing any).

_**Um… Gaara, you just broke the damn fourth wall. That's not allowed! It's there for a reason, idiot!**_

… I was talking about Temari and Kankudumbo.

_**I thought it was spelled "K-A-N-K-U-R-O." Is everything a lie? Even cookies?!**_

Okay, one: Yes, it's spelled "K-A-N-K-U-R-O." Two: You're an idiot. Three: Cookies will NEVER be a lie. They're too delicious!

I think we've deviated from the… thingy-majig. Let's just write down what happened and then proceed to try to erase all mental scarring.

I'd arrived back to find an enormous, half naked man in my office. _Half naked. _I'm fourteen for Kami's sake! I don't want to see any form of nakedness until at least next year! But, that wasn't the scariest bit. Okay Gaara, deep breath. You can do it! Okay, here it comes… He was sparkling.

_**There were pink sparklies floating around 'is head eerily. They oozed (Yes Gaara, I can spell properly on occasion, I just loathe it. And yes Gaara, I did just use the word "Loathe") drama – even more than Maito Gai oozes it!**_

He saw me, and hugged me. Hard. Hell, how did he get past my sand defences? Sand, how could you betray me?!

Anyway, then, out of nowhere, The Green Beast and Green Beast Junior smashed through my newly repaired window (see: flying, green, circular weapon) ! Man was I livid! And scared. Yes. I, Sabaku No Gaara (also known as the fearless, awesome, cool, stoic Gaara of the Desert) was terrified. I can just about deal with Bushy Brows on his own. I can't deal with Bushier Brows unless I've had my daily cup of tea and/or my chocolate chip cookies, and I _know _I won't be able to deal with the new Pink-Sparklies man. At least he didn't have a bowl cut… But, sadly, he did have a well-endowed moustache.

Bushier Brows challenged Pink Sparklies to a "Youth Duel." It was as horrifying as it sounds. They introduced themselves (apparently the man was called Alex Louis Armstrong, and he hails from the Village Hidden in the Amestris – wherever that is. Technically he just said Amestris, but clearly the man is a well-trained torturer like Ibiki so he _must _come from a Shinobi Village) and started. Flashing teeth met Sparkles as the battle of the century took place. Now, here comes the surprising bit: Guy lost. I sincerely hope Lee doesn't start copying this "Armstrong" and grow a moustache… Or walk around half naked crying dramatically as the horror known only as the Sparklies pop into existence around him…

_**Thanks for that lovely mental image, brat. I will NEVER get rid of that scarring thought! It's all your fault! I'll never look at Lee in the same way again!**_

Whoa, whoa… How do you look at him anyways? To be perfectly honest, whenever I look at Bushy Brows, that's all I see: Bushy eyebrows.

_**Never you mind how I see him! Okay, I'll tell you. Whenever I see him, all I see is green spandex and gleaming teeth. Does he use some of our "extra-menacing-ultra-cool-sparkling-white-toothpa ste?" **_

It only got weirder from that point on. Gai and Lee left crying with stars in their eyes ("YOSH! THERE IS SO MUCH YOUTH IN THIS YOUTHFUL WORLD! LET THE SPRINGTIME OF YOUTH PREVAIL!") and a new kid entered. He only looked a few years older than me. He kinda looked like Sasuke… Only without the chicken-butt hairstyle.

The moment Sasu-2 laid his eyes on Sparkle-Man, an icy aura filled the room. In fact, if I didn't know better I'd _swear_ that the shattered remains of my window frosted over – which is _ridiculous _because we live in _the freaking DESERT!_ He started yelling at ol' Sparkles about how stripping was _his _habit and to stop instantly… Yeah, this doesn't disprove my theory that this is a hallucination.

Next thing I know, a full-blown argument is threatening to destroy what remains of my precious office. The worst thing is, they were arguing _naked_. The Sparkler was Yelling something about how stripping has passed down his family for generations (makes me thankful for _my _family – and they're psychotic!), amongst others. It even ended weirdly! Some short blond kid ("Who are you calling a pint-sized midget that can't be seen in a plate of rice because the grains of rice are twice my size?!" wow, temperamental little kid, eh? "nii-san, he didn't say that…" … wait, _niisan? _ The midget is the older one?) and a hulking suit of armour dragged Sparkles away, whilst some red-headed lady (also in armour. Is this a new fashion?) glared at Sasu-2. You should have seen Sasu-2's face! He had the same expression the villagers used to wear whilst looking at me!

Sasu-2 ran for the hills, and I could finally breathe. Man, what a traumatising day!

_Dear Gaara.  
Please post a warning at the top of this entry so innocent fan-wielding kunoichi know not to snoop? Please? That was scarier than Shukaku – or catching Kankuro wearing my dress!_

_Temari._

_**Oi, I resent that! I'm a good scary, not a traumatising, naked, sparkling scary!**_

Heh, at least it's over. And Temari, we did repeatedly say at the start that it was bad, so don't pin this on me! Oh, and why the hell do you keep invading my privacy?

Good. Maybe she's learnt her lesson about reading other people's stuff.

_**Don't jinx it!**_

Would you stop butting in, Shukaku? It's annoying and you never have anything of any importance to add. Also it's my dia- I mean journal. Not diary. Anyway, just stop being a pain, Shukaku.

**Why, you! Why I oughta... Nah, you ain't worth it. And I'm not stupid, stupid!**

Well, I'm certainly no idiot myself, idiot...

**Yeah, well... Your mom!**

... not cool, Shu, not cool.

**Aw, s*** Gaara, I didn't mean it. It slipped out, honest!**

I officially hate you. Anyway, that's all for today! I don't want to give Temari any more nightmares than I already have.

**A/N So, how was it? Do you know how difficult it was for me to write "mom?" We spell it "Mum" but "Your mum!" didn't quite sound right…**

**Challenge… Tell me who each of the guests were, and which anime (not including Lee and Gai, 'cause everyone who's reading this knows them!) they are from. Review! Tell me if it was good or not. If not, tell me why so I can improve! And I promise my (extremely long) break is over. Oh yeah, this chapter is my longest so far! Yay!**

**Bye!**


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